Album Announcement FAIL! by Trauma Lavern


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Today I’m here to tell you about a great little album called “Album Announcement FAIL” by Trauma Lavern. I know what you’re thinking, that’s an odd thing to title an album, but I tell you what, if it ain’t odd, I don’t like it. They could’ve called it ‘Back For The Very First Time’ or ‘Where do we go when we sleep?’ (We go to dream land, you fucking morons) they could’ve called it ‘The Carter 9’ or ‘Butter Jewels’ who gives a gosh darn. I don’t know where Langley is but god bless it, cos it seems to have inspired the second track. This could be a huge hit if we were still in the early 2000’s, this song reminds me of my childhood but not in a nostalgic way, that’s for dorks. This reminds me of a childhood I’ve heard about but never experienced.

Colin Swegman (am I saying that right?) is a poet in a good way though, not the ‘poetry is my life’ type of way. That would be sad and I wouldn’t wanna be his friend. Thank god he’s a poet in a sense that he writes novels now but his early collection of poetry is revered. Colin aka PT Burnem (one half of Trauma Lavern) feels music and language in every fiber of his being, this album is from the depths of his soul. I don’t know what the hell he’s talking about sometimes in person, because he genuinely cares so much and I’m a morbid asshole, but on record I understand it all. No word is wasted, there I said it, now Pitchfork can hire me. There’s not enough decimals for this album score, well there might be but I’d need a calculator.

“250cc Revelation” is my favorite song on this album, because he’s singing about riding a motor bike (much more than that too, I’m sure) and it makes me think of Daniel Johnston’s “Speeding Motorcycle”, also my favorite band 10cc. This is 25 times 10cc so you could only imagine my excitement. I’m talking from a mathematical standpoint of course. Colin came right out of an early western, he stepped out of the TV, dripping wet in his cowboy regalia, took off his shoes, and said to me, “to those that are about to rock, I salute you.” Then he grabbed an axe and totally shredded. Another favorite of mine is “Bad Medicine” this is classic bad boy rock n roll, a cool motherfucker singing about someone named Johnny. Probably could be licensed to Guitar Hero even. I mean that in the sweetest way possible, I love it. If this was on the Madden soundtrack, I’d be pumped as hell.

This album has so much potential to be universally loved and critically acclaimed. Trauma Lavern should be so popular, I loathe them. But lucky for us, it’s underground so the outsiders and weirdos can enjoy it. What a great name too, Trauma Lavern. Sounds like a private detective who hunts and kills nazis in a dystopian future. Now that’s a real job. I love music like this, somehow anchored in the past and future at once. Outer space caveman music is what I call it. (That’s a copyrighted term, please use wisely.) This album is like the moment that 2pac song plays in Django Unchained meets the end of Prometheus. Far from failure, so I guess I don’t get the album title after all. 

Listen/download over on Cold Rhymes Records Bandcamp:

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